The Sunday before last Sunday

Sorry for not blogging in a while life…I guess it’s the life of a Caregiver, so I’m backing up a bit to something I wrote on Sunday, April 17th. I was sitting in the park after walking my dog needing an extra moment to breathe; to push out the old feelings, and breathe in new life, new energy. Up until that point I wasn’t sleeping well, my thoughts were all over the place, but there’s something about the air and being outside that brings clarity. Here’s what poured out:

April 17th: “I didn’t sleep well. Mom’s getting up more frequently in the night to go to the bathroom, therefore my sleep gets broken. I think it’s the new blood pressure pill she’s on. I have a follow up with the doctor this week to see what’s what. It seems there’s always something new poor thing. Though this life of mine with her has brought on such trying times, I feel sorry for her because I know she never expected this for her life. In her mind, all is well, and there’s no way to explain, it’s not.

When we’re off to doctor appointments, I feel the weight of keeping it all together; making sure to get to her appointments on time, to keep up with new meds and if something doesn’t seem quite right, making sure the new doctor or procedure gets worked in. It can make your head spin though I may have a handle on my caregiving duties my spirit sinks because it knows I’m neglecting my self-loving duties.

There are days I feel very broken, but God hasn’t allowed me to break. Perhaps he’s given me all of these thoughts to figure out how to self-love through it all, how to stay whole and stay in the fight! It’s funny; all the years that I’ve said I’m a strong woman, strength was viewed as overcoming stress at work, at home, a broken heart, but living with Alzheimer’s will either break you or make you stronger! I choose the latter and to do what I hadn’t before…accept that yes, I am a strong woman by doing and helping, but I’m strong by being and just standing when all else falls around me.

Alzheimer’s has been a rough road to be on, but once I allowed God in, it’s also given me clarity, opened my mind to new ideas, thoughts and avenues and somehow, as my mom is losing herself, I’m gaining mine. How about that Pam!