PUSH

I have been stuck at the writing line, stuck at the advocacy line, just stuck. I wrote a post a few months ago about doing better and months later, I deleted it because it didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel as if I was doing better or doing anything that I set out to do or be as an advocate.

My heart and mind have been in the right place, but I felt that I was disappointing anyone who would look to my blog for advice, for resources, for strength, for a chuckle, but most importantly I was disappointing myself. I can’t count the number of times when I’ve thought of a great idea or topic to write about only to get stuck mid-thought. Days and weeks would go by and I had nothing new written on a page.

And these feelings weren’t subjected to my blogging, but I felt a disconnect in many areas of my life. Here I was saying “how can I be X to others when I’m unable to be X to myself.”

I wasn’t throwing in any towels, but I felt lost. The former caregiver who knew her mission or at least knew where the focus of my writing was coming from, was still trying to figure things out in the new normal. And if you haven’t guessed I am the harshest self-critic, but I am learning to lighten up and be more self-forgiving, learning to say it’s OK and that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

I recently took time off for foot surgery and it was the start or restart that I needed. The importance of this time out was to heal, but I knew it had to be much more than that. This was my time to escape from the world, to rest and reset. I took a hard look at ideas, dreams and wrote them down and revisited old ones. I put action plans in place and told myself that no matter how much I dream, write, plan or prepare the most important thing is to move! I was always a person about action and whether I want to call it life, fear, doubt, or over-thinking, I’ve let it all hold me back. I had to be a new me moving forward like the old me would. I can’t allow myself to be stuck anymore, and if I fall there I have to figure a way out. No more crying, I have to push!

Now I can’t take credit for that last line, I have held onto it ever since I heard Dr. Cindy Trimm preach on it. Dr. Trimm was a guest some years back on an episode of TBN that was hosted by Bishop TD Jakes. She was speaking on how people may be going through situations and/or hardships and may take it as the devil messing with us, but she said no it’s not that, it’s not bad, it’s Heaven’s contraction on our lives. And in the midst of this unknowing or uneasiness; it’s not the time to give up or cry; but PUSH.

For every change that had me feeling low, that thought of pushing past my circumstances brought me back to center. I wasn’t giving up, and yes I cried throughout the confusion and I know i will probably have more tears to shed, but as I love to say, I’m putting an H on chest and handling it and oh yeah I am pushing!