This past Sunday were the AFC and NFC Championship games to see who would go to the Super Bowl and this year I was particularly revved up because my Baltimore Ravens, were off to play the Patriots and could potentially be in the Super Bowl. While I knew this was going to be a big fight in enemy territory, they have beaten the Pats before on “their” turf, so a win was not out of the question. Also being a huge Ray Lewis fan, I really wanted this for him again and for the others who have fought all season long that have never been to the Super Bowl. Because if they won, I knew whoever won on the NFC side between the Giants and 49’ers, was going to lose to my Ravens.
As expected, it was a very good game up to the last few minutes when the Ravens beat themselves with a dropped pass and missed field goal, we lost by three. THREE….it was painful, very painful and to lose how they did. I probably took it harder than they did.
I tried to get on twitter but as I saw some negative tweets I could feel myself getting angered and knew….there’d be NO social media for me Sunday night. Pam needed a cooling off period and time to shake off the loss. But I never shook it off.
I couldn’t watch NFL Network, I couldn’t watch the second game until OT, I needed other programming to “lift my spirits” but they never lifted. Then it hit me, my overwhelming sadness has little to do, OK, partly to do with the game, but more so about my life.
Football has been my refuge. I love the game! I’m like one of the boys when it comes to football games. I haven’t enjoyed it as much because I no longer have a moment to just go ahh and bask in a game. An excited yell on TV for a play becomes a mothere who gets panicked because she no longer knows what’s going on. Actually any sound makes the already agitated mother – jumpy, which just adds to my agitation.
But getting back….as the Ravens went down, so did my spirits. What would I have to look forward to when I feel I’m in a place right now of nothing to look forward to (So much for my the New Year optimism.) I hoped to have felt better, I hoped I would be living better and freer and with January ending, I’m fearing another year of the same. With Alzheimer’s it’s never the same, but really “I can’t” have another 2011. Mentally and now even physically as I’ve neglected myself far too long and am starting to pay for it.
I didn’t start to feel better until Tuesday when I felt the fog lift. It still stings but I do have the Pro Bowl this weekend and X Games – enter Shaun White – to lift the spirits. I don’t attach how I feel by sports outcomes, but it’s been what I’ve needed to get me through these caregiver days.
CONFESSIONS OF A MASTER CAREGIVER 