In my previous post I mentioned how I had been emotional during the holidays. I was actually dealing with mixed emotions. I know my mom’s changes have been leading towards one thing, placing her somewhere. It should have been a task that I took a hold of at the beginning of last year, but uncertainty of what to do, how to do it and yes procrastination lead me to doing it at the last half of 2011.
I started getting information on assisted living homes with memory care units back in the summer, but I really didn’t take up the charge until late fall working with a great organization, “A Place for Mom.” I’m currently in MD, but want to get out of her badly (a discussion too long to mention here) and my goal destination is LA with heading back to NY as my back-up plan.
At the beginning of December I took the drive to NJ and geared up for my first round of “home” visits. It went well, got the information I needed, but it left me with such emotion. On one hand I know this is going to be the best thing for my mom on the other hand I’m feel so badly for her. She never asked for this and to see the vegetative state Alzheimer’s patient’s eventually reach is the saddest thing to see.
So there I was and here I am trying to figure out how I’m going to get to LA for my next round of visits, but whether it’s LA, NJ or Dallas, yes I threw that city in the mix too, not knowing where I’m going to live has been the biggest angst for me. When I lost my job 3 yrs ago, I felt after some time, I’d be able to get back on the horse. I never had a problem finding something, but caring for my mom, with no other person to help and I have no siblings, mom has been my job. I’ve looked before, but had to stop and start because my days, time and money were up and down.
I hoped that some of my mom’s money could sustain me until I got a job, but after pricing places, she’s my main priority and the whole shebang is going towards a good place for her, I’ll take the hit. But like a single parent I have my Polo to think about too. I’ve never been in a situation like this, so raw, so unsure, so broke. And time’s a-ticking as mom’s condition is declining.
I’m thankful for this blog where I can just let it all out but I feel exposed. I know there’s a need to share how I feel and why, maybe some other caregiver is unable to express how they feel, but I feel like, “Pam everyone’s going to know your business or think you’re feeling sorry for yourself.” I don’t feel sorry for myself, I’m hoping God shows me the way, or helps me figure out a way, yes me of wavering faith when it comes to this situation.
I have started the job search again hoping maybe something will come up for me that will provide financial support unless or until I get a fabulous sponsor for one of my blogs!
All of this has led to my dampening spirit and why I’ve been missing-in-action on twitter but taking some time to write it out, hash it out and up date I feel better. Where I end up and how, I will surely keep you posted!