Stressful Days, even more stressful nights

For the past few days I’ve been dealing with what I’d say was an extra load of stress and now anxiety has set in. I was never an anxious person, but since being a caregiver I’m finding myself with it everyday. I want to be the best caregiver I can be while I am in this position, but I’m worn out, I don’t get much sleep or down time. I’m gearing up for a new transition and my mind is on Mega Mo. (OK if you don’t watch XGames…Mega Mo is when they show a competitors performance in slow motion…like seeing Shaun White in Slopestyle but to see what he actually did they show it it…que Sal Masakela’s voice: “Mega Mo”.)

I want to purge, but how much do I tell? It is the writer who comes from a personal place that get the readers because they are learning about your plight, they may have the same feelings, or they can connect. There’s never a good time to become a caregiver. Whether you’re gainfully employed, have tons of assistance and some balance in life or like me currently, wanting more for my life but got slammed with a job loss and a move that I thought would be good, only for that to be the trigger for mom’s fast downward spiral and having not much balance. If I wasn’t a writer I would have lost my sanity. Between my freelance gigs and exercising to lose weight it’s kept me mentally afloat, but the fact that the social life, an inability to do much or really get out to look for job because of mom’s condition often tilt that mental boat.

I started the process to find placement for mom. She needs round-the-clock care, from more than one person  and more importantly she needs the companionship and activities. I have tried getting games, easy crafts, tried to encourage her to color. And find myself doing these things because she has no focus to do them, even with me. While I’m looking to place her, I honestly don’t know where this leaves me. I decided last year to move and I thought I’d be gone by now, hoping to make it to LA, but mom seems to lose more cognition faster than I care for it to happen and it seems to be putting my dreams further out of reach.

I also find myself getting sadder and yet angrier as time goes on. Though I have worked on being more patient after watching Leeza Gibbon’s webinar,  I don’t like feeling this way. But when stress levels rise and everything else I’m dealing with comes up….anger seems to be the first emotion to want to well up and the last to leave. Everything is internalized, the pain, the anger, disappointment, being alone to deal with all of this. As time goes on, the less I want to deal with people, perhaps it’s not the best way to think, but that’s just how I feel right now. So far my caregiver life has shown me, my strengths and Lord knows my weaknesses. When people commend me on the job I’m doing for mom, I don’t feel as if I’m doing or giving enough. I think that’s a caregiver thing. You know it’s not going to get better or easier, but you feel maybe there’s something more you could do. My goal is to do a good enough job to get through the day and look forward to bed time. I know not that exciting!

So the process of my search is now with the assistance from an organization called A Place for Mom. One of my friends recommended them to me and it has made looking for assistant living much easier. Whether its locations from one end of the map to another or needing certain criteria like with my mom who has other medical needs, it’s so great to have this one stop shopping experience. (There is NO cost just using the terminology.)

For those of you who’ve never heard of them, they assist you with your placement needs by giving you an Elder Care Counselor who is your personal contact. You don’t have to keep calling every time you want to do a new search, you have one person with whom you can develop a rapport.

This is where my life is, searching and packing to go who knows where, but the process must start. I’m nervous, anxious, uncertain, looking for a sign from God.