Where I’m Supposed to be

The past week has been challenging yet thought-provoking. On one hand my life as a daughter often leaves me feeling sorry for my mom and feeling good knowing that I am the best person to care for her . But this type of thinking can often lead to disillusion and hurt when the person you’re caring for doesn’t appreciate your efforts for lack of their unknowing. Yet on the other I wonder “how” am I going to make it another day as a caregiver when the stress and struggles seem to be too much to handle. When I’m in the midst of hurtful words, I have to remind myself to stay calm, not to get angry, and say, “No she really doesn’t know what X, Y & Z are.

It’s often said or written, “as long as we live in faith, where we are – is where we’re supposed to be.” As a caregiver I often question that statement. How do I appreciate where I am, my life’s journey as confusing as it seems, days of stress and at times filled with tears, is this where I’m supposed to be? I want to live my life purposefully and fully, but these days have been filled with phone calls, managing bills, giving directions, medications, Dr.’s appointments, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the oops moments in my mother’s life, that I see my life slipping away. I squeeze my to do’s in between her moments. And when I could take an ahh moment, unfortunately her shadowing me is so bad, I don’t get a relaxing moment. It’s like have to be “on” all of the time.

How can I express to other caregivers to find moments for themselves when I can’t?  The journey is in figuring it out, but with lack of money I feel stuck. Bottom line, caregivers need money, they need funding, assistance, to help get a break. A few hours free 1 day has made a huge difference, how would I feel with 2 or 3.

I’m still trying to learn or find the lesson in all of this. I see where I have gained strength and in how I’ve been able to find a way when there didn’t seem to be one. I have to work on my patience, because Alzheimer’s is my face 24/7, every little thing becomes a big bother. Is this where I’m supposed be? According to God, the answer is yes and while I may not like where my where “is”, I hope to really like the next place where I’m supposed to be.