The Holiday that wasn’t…

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This was originally written on Jan 1 on my ipod and I’m just now transferring it:

I tell myself not to let Alzheimer’s steal my joy, but it does! I can’t express enough how hard I worked to have, to keep and maintain the Christmas and holiday spirit amidst the storm. It seems at every turn when I would hope for calm, for a little ease, a big fail would happen.

When I reflect on my Christmas excursion, I planned, I didn’t change the routine much, but still got f’ed up (excuse the language) by Alzheimer’s. It reinforced my need to get a job to afford the services and help I need. My “Must Do” list has me feeling more overwhelmed than ever!!

I feel cheated of time, of the holidays, of sleep. Now it’s in my DNA to go to bed very late so I’ve been cheated of sleep for the longest and when I look back on my past, I cheated myself of time in too many circumstances for far less important things.

Where do I go from here? I spent 2009 paddling to keep afloat, moving to dodge the blows I faced at every turn. In 2010 I refused to be a victim. I didn’t know how that was going to manifest, but I knew I needed to find a way to move forward. Looking back now I see a way just started happening and I rode the wave. But now I’m taking control of the reins.

My goal while in the midst of this storm has been to hold onto some part of myself while being called a “bitch” or told “to go to hell”, yes all lovely words that Alzheimer’s brings forth in a person. They have no control of their words and thoughts, but it can sting at times. Surprisingly fitness became my friend, of all things! And I gladly welcomed my unexpected companion. It was needed to help clear my head when stressed, to help me feel good about myself when everything about Alzheimer’s was tearing me down.

My friends say this will make me stronger, my blessings bigger; I don’t know? It can be a struggle to see better when you’re a Caregiver and I realize my life could be so much worse which I’m thankful it’s not. But today I needed to purge. Even on the 1st of the year as I wish for a calm day, it’s starting out with attitude and a mood. Like I needed this today!! I felt my joy being zapped away. So I got myself to the park to walk the dog and that’s where I began this post….outside needing to clear my head.

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2 thoughts on “The Holiday that wasn’t…

  1. I hear you! I’ve been caring for Dad for the past almost 10 years and know exactly what you mean about the disease stealing your life, too. It does, let’s face it! I committed my last decade – from my 55th to my 65th year – to giving my declining father everything I could. Finally, last week we moved him to a nursing home, after horrific struggle, leaving me with so much silence, so much time to sleep, so much time to walk in the park. My health has really declined, but I am making myself exercise, read, write, laugh. But, I still feel gripped by this disease – it still has power over me. I think about it all the time. I worry about Dad all the time. My ability to let go and feel joy is stunted. You’re not alone. There are millions of us feeling like this. We ought to all take one big deep breath and let it out together! The world would be amazed!

    1. Thank you for that! As caregivers we do jump into the job with little regard or little time to even think about our lives and our health. I’m sorry to hear about your dad and I pray
      these days the disease has less of a grip on your life and that you’re able to let the joy in and breathe a lot more. I’m at the point, or beyond the point where my mother needs to be in a home
      for care and companionship. As you said, I know those days when I feel so gripped I feel choked, but I’m working to press on. It’s hard to focus at times, but I have to…I’m ready to take that breath!!

      Thank you for visiting my blog and I hope you continue to follow and comment anytime, keep me posted on your dad. And if you like what I write or think (ha) I would appreciate if you would nominate
      my blog to be a top Alzheimer’s blog at: http://www.medicalassistantschools.org/top_alzheimers/nominate/ and you’d put my blog’s address in it http://www.confessionsofamastercaregiver.wordpress.com.

      Take care.

      Pam

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