Confessions From The Master

Kandi Burruss, Cynthia Bailey, Kenya Moore, Andy Cohen, NeNe Leakes, Phaedra Parks. Photo credit: Bravo TV.

Sooo I haven’t written something personal in a minute, in a long minute and I needed to remind myself – self, “that it’s just as  important to continue to share my personal story and perspective as it is to share information.” I mean this is why the blog was started, so I’m sharing.

I’m no different from anyone else, but I feel I’ve had waaaay too much change  between, driving cross-country, twice, when it should have been once,  but I own up to my decisions. I’m crying, hoping, and crying some more, I miss my mom and dad terribly and my Polo who transitioned in August, but my heart still aches. And all of this has led me to struggle with finding my purpose. Now I’m probably over thinking things as my peeps say I do, but this place where I am in life is so new, so raw and still unsettling to me.

I was a daughter, caregiver and pet owner and all three were going in less than two years. So I know I could go on and on about my sadness, but I don’t want to bring you all down…I wish I had a great joke to tell you right now…So have you seen the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion part 1?….random comment.

As I’ve mentioned for those of you read my posts, and know that I wanted to up my advocacy, well I finally reached out to the  Alzheimer’s Association of NY. I want to be a part of their speakers bureau and there are some seminars you have to take. While I feel I could rock talking about Alzheimer’s and Caring from experience it’s good to have the organizational foundation. The first seminar I attended was about different forms of Dementia and the biggest form, Alzheimer’s.  And not to boast, but I am, I tell you, when the seminar leader started talking about Alzheimer’s I felt I could get up and give that part of the class. Everything discussed I knew and/or experienced  firsthand, from changes in behavior, negative random comments, changes in eating and sleeping patterns, and sundowning. I know it all. Perhaps this Padawan (OK if you start scratching your head here….lets talk, those in the know, yes, I love Star Wars) is growing into my blog title…a Master!! And I’m going to be chairing an athletic committee, but I’ll more on that at another time.

In the meantime this former caregiver has been trying to figure her own life out and not that I thought life post caregiving would be easier, but when I was in the midst of it I could clearly see things I wanted to do and try, yet felt they were so far- reaching. During that time I was encouraged to get outside help which I did for a spell, so that I could have some “me time”, but once mom passed, anything I wanted to try or accomplish I just couldn’t muster up the strength to do.

A kitten curled up on top of a dog curled up on a bench

Everyone was saying  that it was now my time and I know they weren’t being insensitive, but I still wanted my mom there to talk to, to tell her about things, even if she didn’t know who I was, it was all about having her physical presence that mattered.

Most days I want to crawl in a ball. But I know it is about living for myself now, which I honestly was never great at. Oh I did things for myself but there was always someone or a pet to think of. Now it’s me, myself and I who have to get to know and like one another. I’m dealing with some outside challenges that have nothing to do with my thoughts, but I am re-learning how to stay in the positive and have faith like a grain of mustard seed.

 Well lets see….I’ve covered, life, death, Alzheimer’s, my thoughts, reality TV and Star Wars, so I guess this is a good place to end. I know I may be putting myself through circles, but I am very clear in my mission to help caregivers and to help in the fight against ALZ!

P.S. I know the picture has nothing to do with ALZ but a change is good every now and then.

Pamela

 

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